Becoming a parent changes everything. Your routines, your priorities, even how you communicate and collaborate with your partner. For expectant parents, this life transition is a whirlwind of emotions: excitement, anxiety, pressure, impatience, stress, glee. How do you communicate well with a new member of the family on the way?
This week on the Good Dads blog, we sat down with Stan and Allie Adams, a Springfield, MO, couple who are welcoming Baby Quinn into the world next month. The soon-to-be parents know that, when they work together and communicate effectively, everything will turn out alright.
Stan said being an expectant dad has given him the opportunity to think deeply about how his world is about to get a whole lot bigger—and having a son with Allie means the ways they communicate have evolved. Now they don’t need to worry about just themselves. It’s about maturing together and growing together.
“Seeing ourselves give up more of ourselves is something that I’m very much looking forward to as a couple,” he said.
What does it mean to communicate well?
There’s rarely just one right way to do something, and this is certainly true for communication. Communicating well can look like many things, but Stan and Allie agree on several skills and traits that help them the most:
To communicate well, do it often. Stan says he and his wife are both big talkers. Their household is rarely quiet, and they wouldn’t rather have it any other way. By consistently practicing check-ins with each other, Stan and Allie can know each other’s stances and attitudes. In the morning, this might look like: “How did you sleep? How are you feeling? Do you have what you need to be successful today?” And when both get home from work, it might sound like: “How was your day—but how was it, really?” Be ready to talk, but also be ready to listen, Stan said.
Be flexible. Allie views communication as an ever-evolving back-and-forth. It means being willing to adjust, be honest and recognize that internal feelings—and external factors—are liable to change.
Don’t be a mind-reader. Both husband and wife emphasized that this has gotten them into conflicts in the past! “I’ve tried to be a mind-reader—it doesn’t really work out!” Stan said, laughing. Communication breakdown happens when assumptions are made, Stan says, so they are both deliberate in their efforts to say how they feel — because it’s not always obvious. They often start conversations of this kind by saying, “Here’s where I’m at,” Allie said, because “that way your partner is able to meet you where you’re at.”
Recognize when something’s not working. This is easier said than done! Allie emphasized her need to address concerns when they arise. She can’t keep it to herself when something’s bothering her, or else it’ll start to fester. She approaches Stan when she has a problem, and she loves that she can trust him to help her find a solution together. Both agree they’ve worked together for six years to home their skills in discerning and focusing on what really matters.
Know your communication style; seek a balance. Stan says he knows himself to be a straightforward person. He tends to view things in black-and-white, always eager to move forward, seize the day, “grabbing the bull by the horns,” and sometimes struggling with contextualizing or “reading the room.” Allie, on the other hand, reins him in. She tends to have a softer, nuanced approach and eases her way into things. One style is not inherently superior to another, though. Stan, for his part, balances out Allie’s trepidation by encouraging her to be decisive and assertive—whereas left to her own devices she might slip into overthinking.
Don’t Put Off the Tough Conversations: People generally don’t want to have disagreements, and Allie says she has sympathy for those who are compelled to keep their feelings to themselves. It feels easier in the moment, but pain demands to be felt, she says. “You have to have that conversation even if it is a conflict … because if that’s never had, the conflict still exists. It’s still going to sit there, and it could get bigger because it’s not being talked about.” Be honest, even when it’s hard to talk about. Don’t just keep it to yourself.
Hearing the Adamses talk about their relationship, it’s clear that they have the skills to be excellent communicators. Part of it is personality—they are both outgoing, talkative people—but natural disposition is not enough in itself to make a good communicator. While it certainly doesn’t hurt to be outgoing and chatty, you also need to train your communication skills to work well with your partner. Stan and Allie have routines and systems that help them grow together and rely on one another. It’s because of this hard work that they can have in-depth conversations about their futures as parents without fear or judgment.
‘We’ll Have Kids when the Timing’s Right’
Stan and Allie both knew they wanted to be parents someday, and when their relationship started getting serious around the start of the COVID-19 pandemic, they had the foresight to start conversations about parenthood early. Both were living in Birmingham, AL, at the time.
Stan says living in the deep south comes with a sort of “pressure,” where he described a tradition of marrying and having children young. It was a pressure he and Allie were resistant to: They didn’t want to have a baby just for the sake of having a baby, hoping they’ll figure the rest out later. This choice works out great for some couples, but he and Allie wanted something different.
“That’s not us,” Stan said.
Without a doubt, the world encountered countless tragedies and hardships during the COVID-19 pandemic. But some good did come out of it. Stan and Allie point to the lockdown as a pivotal time for their relationship. After six years together, they hear from others all the time that they act as though they’ve been together for far longer. They attribute this to their closeness during the pandemic.
“You got to know each other on a much deeper level—because what else was there to do?” Stan said. “I feel like we had a lot of those tough conversations (about marriage, careers, a growing family) very early on because all you had to do was plan for life afterwards.”
Being a “COVID couple” put them on the “fast track” to knowing each other super well. They couldn’t hang out with friends, Allie said, so they just hung out at home.
They try not to let it feel like the pandemic robbed them of a “normal” start to the relationship. It wasn’t until they’d been dating for nearly three years did they go out to the movie theater together, for instance. But the lockdown became their ace in the hole. Without the regular distractions of everyday life, COVID forced them to “lock-in” together, as Stan put it with a laugh.
The Adamses relocated to the Ozarks in fall 2023 when Stan accepted a job at the Springfield Sports Commission. They both knew that parenthood was in their future, but they wanted to enjoy other important life milestones first: travel and career-building among them. It was huge, Stan said, to know that they could start this new life in a new part of the country together.
“It’s been such a great foundation for our relationship,” Allie said, describing it as a moment of growth to move to Missouri. “We were able to establish our own life here, build our own lives and set a course here … all by ourselves.”
Stan and Allie were never shy about asking the big questions: What do we want? What do we want for our lives together? What are our goals? They described themselves as systematic planners. Having kids is “on the map,” they said, but they just weren’t sure when the timing would be right.
Now married for three years and having attained many of those bucket-list items they’d hoped to achieve, Allie was transitioning to a new job as the director of sales at the Moxy hotel Downtown. Around that time, they knew it was time to revisit the parenthood conversation.
“We wanted to make sure we had everything in place for us first,” before they were ready to have a kid, Stan said. “We knew who we were. We had certain things in place, rather than—let’s just throw a baby into the mix and we’ll figure it out.”
And Baby Makes Three
Stan and Allie certainly use many of the same communication skills they’ve always relied on: Don’t be a mind-reader; balance each other out; communicate often; be flexible. But with a son due in a few short weeks, the Adamses see new skills coming into the fray, like being willing to ask for help.
Allie admits she hasn’t always been in tune with her capacity. She’d prefer to just handle things by herself instead of asking for help. But being pregnant has given her plenty of chances to practice humility, acknowledging that she can’t do everything.
She’s come to learn that part of growing together as a couple has been acknowledging that you can pass the baton to your partner.
“He’s always willing to help,” Allie said of her husband.
Instead of feeling overwhelmed, Allie now sees asking for help as an opportunity. It’s an opportunity for her to relieve herself of a stressful task—and simultaneously it’s an opportunity for Stan to be a problem-solver.
“I’m like, Well, I can fix that,” Stan said. “I can do that … Let me do it.’”
Another way Stan’s communication has evolved with Baby Quinn on the way is by reframing his reactions to external frustrations. In the past, Allie might have expressed annoyance that the kitchen is a mess, for example. Stan said he was inclined to take that personally.
Nowadays, by being intentional to have regular check-ins with his wife more, Stan says he understands “it’s not me you’re mad at.”
It Takes a Village
A huge part of being a Good Dad is having a support system—because nobody should be expected to be a new dad alone. The old African proverb “It takes a village to raise a child” has more truth to it than many people realize. The proverb means an entire community of people must provide for and interact positively with children for those children to grow up in a safe and healthy environment. It also means that parents need a supportive group of trusted adults on whom they can rely, especially as they’re navigating the uncharted waters of caring for a new baby.
The need for a support system rings true for Stan. He points to Allie as his No. 1 source, especially for emotional support. He also turns to his own father, a role model with whom he has a great relationship. He describes his own dad as a “tells it like it is” kind of guy who made great sacrifices to provide for his family. Stan is fortunate enough to have several men in his family he looks up to.
Stan is among the last in his friend-group to have children, so he knows he can call on his buddies for advice and wisdom. Only half-joking, he says he’s grateful that his friends and family have kept the unsolicited parenting advice to a minimum!
People are always asking them: Are you ready?
Stan just scoffs. No, of course he’s not ready!
“How are you gonna be ready for something you’ve never done before?” he asked. “I mean, you can prepare for the unexpected all you want, but … no matter what happens, I know we’ll overcome it.
“That’s the beauty of it,” Stan said.
He’s running into the unknown with Allie, and he’s confident that they’ll do great.
Allie piggybacked off that thought: “When it’s your first … you obviously don’t have much an idea of what is happening. You can read the books, you can gather the information—ultimately, trust in yourself and trust in your partner.”
Everything will work out. You’ll never have it ALL figured out.
Cherry-Picking Parenthood
You get to decide what kind of parents you’ll be, Stan said. Acknowledge how your upbringing shaped you and reflect on what you want to bring with you as you mature. As a new parent, you have the freedom and privilege to choose your favorite things your parents imparted to you in your childhood, and you can leave the rest behind.
(If you’ve participated in Good Dads 2.0, our flagship fatherhood class, this piece of advice will sound familiar to you. In Module 3, “Becoming a Great Builder,” participants are encouraged to reflect on their childhood homes. They use the following questions to spark conversation throughout the group:
- Who were the men in your life from whom you learned the most?
- Were the lessons helpful? Why or why not?
- What traits or ideas are you focusing on passing down to your kids?
Find out more about the Good Dads 2.0 course here.)
Knowing they’ll be Mom and Dad soon has also encouraged the Adameses to lean on each other and help one another learn. They agree that growing together takes balance.
As a child of divorce, Stan wanted to overcome his preconceptions about marriage and conflict. Proving to himself that, just because things didn’t go as planned for his parents doesn’t mean his fate will be the same has transformed his ideas. He’s come to realize that conflicts with Allie don’t jeopardize how they feel about each other.
Stan has worked hard to “outgrow” his fear that conflicts in marriage are irreparable; he relies on Allie to help him gather evidence to the contrary. He used to be scared that a fight meant things would never be okay again. But now, six years into their relationship, he’s proven himself wrong. When he feels nervous about a disagreement between them, he can recall previous conflicts, which now seem small and inconsequential in hindsight. Look at all we’ve overcome together; we can get through this, too.
Allie has done her own learning, too. She’s come to accept that meaningful, lasting resolutions take time. She’s accepted that she’s just one person; she can’t fulfill everything at once. Her advice? Don’t try to resolve everything in just one conversation. Change comes from consistent effort, every day, over a long time.
The Adamses are thrilled to discover what kind of parents they’ll be. During our interview, Good Dads asked them to make some predictions (which have been edited for brevity and clarity):
Allie: Stan is going to be a present, happy, active, loving and involved dad. He is so invested in our baby’s wellbeing, and in my wellbeing. It’s so exciting, and I’m already witnessing what kind of dad he is because he’s already in that phase. He’s participating in all the preparedness—researching, attending doctor’s appointments, buying things for the baby, etc. It’s wonderful.
Stan: When I realized that Allie was “the one,” I also realized all the same qualities I loved about her are the same reasons why she’ll make a great mom. She’s so strong and has good convictions. She has a nurturing and protective spirit. She’s emotionally intelligent. She is so present with our son, and she wants me to be involved, too—she’s always including me. I know I’m going to cry like a baby when he’s born because this is something that we’ve wanted for a long time. But beyond that, seeing her become a mother is something I’m looking forward to just as much as him being here.
Baby Stanley Edgar Adams V (nicknamed “Quinn” since he is the fifth to inherit the family name) is due March 8.
