We’ve been covering healthy relationships (romantic and otherwise) here on the Good Dads blog for years, and this week we’ve collected some of our favorite tips and advice. This Valentine’s Day, remember that healthy relationships is a commitment for 365 days a year!
Make it safe to connect
Make it easy to give and receive input and feedback. Is it okay for your partner to tell you what they like or prefer, especially if it’s not your preference? Do you feel the need to debate or defend when you hear something you don’t agree with? How easy is it for your partner to tell you about hurt feelings or frustrations? Would they be likely to confide in you as a safe person, or more likely to stuff feelings down or turn to someone else?
Be a relationship role model
Take your dad skills to the next level by showing your kids what being a good partner looks like. Leaning into your relationship with the mother of your children is one of the most powerful things you can do with your kids. Dads are the lens through which youngsters see the kind of partner to be—and what kind of partner to look for—in their adult relationships. Every day is an opportunity to set your kids up for success in the future.
Things to say or do:
- Compliment your partner within earshot of the kids.
- Be generous with verbal affirmations: “It was so great that you vacuumed the living room. Thank you for doing that.”
- Back up the mother of your children: “Mom says no more sweets tonight.”
Be intentional
The key to keeping the romance alive after children and years of marriage is intentionality. It was easier to have fun when the relationship was new (and when you were younger) because it came naturally. Now kids, careers and the chaos of daily life can get in the way of romance. Your routines are different than they were in your 20s, so setting intentions can help you stick to your priorities. Communicate your romance goals, make plans with your partner and do your best to stick to them.
Plan surprises for your partner
Plan little surprises and let the kids be in on it. Pull the kids aside and tell them you need their help. (By the way, this is a great way to find out if your kids can keep a secret). Tell your partner that you and the kids will be back with a surprise. You might go to the grocery store and get your mate’s favorite cookies, pick up some flowers or some other small, thoughtful gift. The kids will love being a part of the surprise and, more importantly, they will see that Dad loves to make his significant other feel special.
Know your filters (and your partner’s)
We all know that communication is far more than just speaking and hearing words. Even when we hear one another, it can be a struggle to understand intentions, meanings or attitudes. Communicating well is even more challenging when filters are in play. Things like fatigue, communication differences, distraction and emotional state can impact our ability to hear, understand and sympathize with one another. Keep your romantic relationship strong by recognizing or anticipating filters in play, acknowledging them and working together to find a way around them.
Embrace little acts of service
Sometimes nothing sounds more appealing than channel surfing on the couch. But don’t make zoning out a daily habit. You may be exhausted from a long day, but so is your partner. Ask how you can be most helpful at that moment. Imagine your partner’s reaction if you were to come home tonight and instead of turning on the game, you ask if your mate would enjoy a five-minute back rub. This small gesture of adapting to what your partner needs is a way to show concern and interest while demonstrating love and interest.
Decide, Don’t Slide
When two people marry, they don’t put a divorce attorney on retainer. They don’t assume that the relationship will eventually fail. But sadly, over the course of time, if the inevitable conflicts of long-term relationships are poorly handled, happiness and satisfaction can erode. Sometimes the bad outweighs the good, and two people decide to part company. If you don’t want this to happen, don’t slide through life avoiding the need to handle eroding good feelings in the relationship. It’s easy to put off until tomorrow or next week or next year what should be done today, but resist the urge. Start sooner rather than later to make repair efforts.
In a fight or disagreement, look inward
It’s easy to focus on what your partner is doing wrong—how he or she is being unreasonable or unpleasant. It’s much harder to consider your own shortcomings or how your actions are being perceived. Think about what you might do to improve the relationship. Remember: You are the only one you can control.
Keep Learning on the Good Dads Blog:
- Keeping the Spark Alive: 3 Little Things You Can Do Starting Today
- Love Begins at Home
- Manage Conflict with your Partner Using the Speaker-Listener Technique
- Marriage Makes Men Better
- Move On or Stay Put: The Value of Contentment
- Romance isn’t Dead—It’s Just Dead Tired
- What I Wish Dads Would Say to their Teens About Love
Good Dads resources compiled by Diana Dudenhoeffer.
