When Joel and Beth sent their oldest, Kimmy, away to college at the beginning of the fall semester, they assumed they had overcome the worst of the heartache. Like many parents, the couple was anxious about their child leaving the nest, but Kimmy was acclimating well to life as a college freshman. She got along with her roommates, joined clubs on campus, attended classes and called home every few days to catch up.
What Joel and Beth had not anticipated was the learning curve that came with Kimmy coming home for Thanksgiving Break, her first time home in nearly three months. Everyone was so excited to finally have her back home for the week, but the moment she crossed the threshold, it became clear that this was going to be a major adjustment.
For one thing, Kimmy looked different. She had a new haircut, wore a different style of clothing, and my God, is that a tattoo? And for Kimmy, stepping into her childhood home was like whiplash. Why had Mom and Dad rearranged the contents of the kitchen cabinets? Is that a new sofa? And HOW could you turn my old bedroom into a guest room?
With the holiday season quickly approaching, now is a good time to discuss expectations for when everyone gathers. Children who have become young adults, and left home for a variety of reasons (college, new job, military, etc.), are coming back, often for an extended visit. Many things have changed in the life of the young adult as well as in the lives of family members still at home.
As a former leader in residence life at multiple universities, this was a topic I always covered with parents and guardians during summer orientation. Preparing for a move to college is just as important as preparing for a holiday visit or moving back for the summer. Here are three potential conflicts parents and their adult children are likely to face during the holidays — and how you can solve them.
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1 – Schedules are Dissonant
For the young adult, they are used to setting their own schedule – eating when they choose, coming and going when they choose, etc. Families often have a routine and that may or may not have changed since the young adult left. Even for families where the young adult calls or texts parents/guardians often, all the details of one’s day will not be shared as that is simply not possible. When everyone gets together again, there may be some confusion or misunderstandings.
Young adults may want everything to be just as they remember things to be. Parent/guardians may expect their young adult to fall back into the same patterns as before they left. For all these reasons, it is important for conversations to take place surrounding expectations.
The first area to address includes participation in family events, e.g., meals, curfews, and use of a family car. Consider this scenario: A parent/guardian may spend a lot of time making the young adult’s favorite meal. But what if the young adult meets up with some friends and does not return for the meal, or makes plans to eat with others away from home? Both parties may be frustrated, or even hurt, by this situation.
A second scenario could also create some feelings. The young adult goes out with friends after dinner. The parent/guardian thinks the young adult will return by their high school curfew. The young adult, however, is not used to being accountable to anyone and comes home two hours later than expected.
Discussing in advance which meals are important, how to communicate if a meal will be missed, which family events cannot be missed, is there a time when to be home, and how to share a family car, if the young adult does not have one of their own, can greatly decrease misunderstandings and negative feelings.
2 – Changing Appearances
When your young adult returns home for the holidays, there may be things about them that are different, both observable and not. The young adult may have new habits, a different hair color, piercings/tattoos, pronouns, etc. These changes may be a welcome surprise—or a shock. Taking time to think about how to respond before the situation occurs can be very helpful.
Think about how to respond and how that response may be received. Are there ways to verbalize your response in a way that encourages further dialogue for everyone involved?
3 – Home May Not Feel Like “Home”
Another thing to consider is sleeping arrangements. Are other family members coming to stay? If your young adult will not be returning to their old room, it would be a good idea to talk about that in advance as no one likes the surprise of being told they will be sleeping on the couch!
Is the young adult bringing a significant other with them? If so, making plans for sleeping arrangements early and sharing them with the young adult can avoid awkward conversations in front of the significant other and allow for discussions to take place.
Parents/guardians should also talk with each other about these things. They may have had experiences of their own they wish to avoid or emulate with their children. If your views as a dad differ from your partner’s, you want to talk through those differences and create a plan upon which you both can agree.
Ultimately, whatever plans are made, having a conversation with the young adult before getting home is a good idea. Knowing the expectations and talking about them early allows for an understanding to be reached so the visit can be one that everybody enjoys.
Lastly, when the young adult leaves, feeling of sadness may reoccur. Just because the initial separation took place weeks or months ago does not mean those feelings will not resurface. The good part is knowing everyone made it through the first time, and this time the feelings will dissipate more quickly.
