Jude asks his son Kyle (15) to take out the trash by the time he gets back from the store. When Jude gets home, he finds the trash can is still overflowing. In a fit of anger, he yells at Kyle to take out the trash this instant. When Kyle returns, Kyle says he’s sorry for not listening to him. Jude lets out a huff. “I’m sorry, but I only blew up because you never take out the trash when I ask you to!”
Beverly is trying to get her three young children ready for school. She feels like she’s carrying the brunt of the work: putting together sack lunches, zipping up coats and tying shoes. Meanwhile, her husband sits on the couch with a bowl of cereal and a mug of coffee in front of the TV. Having had enough, Beverly snaps, “Can’t I get some help?” Chuck says “Sorry, I didn’t get any sleep last night and I haven’t had my morning coffee yet. Give me a break! It’s not my fault you didn’t plan ahead.”
Marv and his wife Octavia are on a family road trip with their two children Leo (6) and Rhea (8). Kicking the backs of their parents’ seats, choruses of “are we there yet?” and hairpulling have made the trip more stressful. Through the chaos, Marv misses an exit. While grumbling and attempting to renavigate, Octavia says “Daddy’s not very good at directions, is he?” The kids laugh, but it’s a blow to Marv’s ego. Later, when he tells her that her comment upset him, she scoffs, “Sorry, I was just joking! What’s the big deal?”
What makes an apology effective?
“Apologies are important to maintaining healthy relationships” -Fundamentals for Good Dads
Conflict is inevitable in every relationship, whether it’s between two siblings, a husband and wife, or a father and child. Apologizing and admitting fault is tough, especially because conflict resolution involves more than simply saying the words “I’m sorry.”
In the scenarios above, every person said “sorry” and provided an apology of some kind. However, just because someone apologizes doesn’t mean a problem is solved. An apology has to be effective, but what makes it that way?
In Fundamentals for Good Dads, our father-focused curriculum that works great with moms, too, we talk about the traits of an effective apology. Good apologies communicate three things, all starting with the letter R: regret, responsibility and remedy.
Regret: show how you feel
The initial “I’m sorry” in an apology shows a feeling of regret. This involves some vulnerability because you’re showing remorse for your actions.
Where Jude went wrong: In Jude’s apology, he is attempting to justify his behavior. “I only blew up because you never take out the trash.” When he apologizes to his son, he needs to focus on his feelings of remorse for his own actions, not his son’s.
“Resist the urge to excuse your child’s behavior when apologizing for your own.” -Fundamentals for Good Dads
Kyle was wrong for not listening to his father. Jude shouldn’t let Kyle off the hook completely—because it will likely result in the bad behavior (not doing what he’s told) to repeat in the future. However, Jude still needs to apologize for the way he reacted.
Here’s an example of a better apology from Jude: “I’m sorry that I yelled at you. While I want you to listen to me, I could have addressed you in a calmer, more civil way. I shouldn’t have yelled at you.”
Responsibility: own up to both actions and impact
The regret part of an effective apology focuses on how we feel in the matter. Responsibility involves empathizing with the feelings of others and owning up to how we impacted them in the moment.
Where Chuck went wrong: In Chuck’s apology, he is blaming others: “It’s not my fault you didn’t plan ahead!” and he is making excuses: “I haven’t had my morning coffee yet.” Apologies like these rarely solve the problem. When Chuck apologizes to Beverly, he needs to own up to both his actions and impact.
“It’s not always easy to build a sincere apology. It can feel like you’re swallowing your pride or admitting you’re wrong. But we all know what it feels like to be robbed of a real apology, too.” -Fundamentals for Good Dads
Some argue that the responsibility element of an apology is the hardest part. For the apology to be effective, Chuck could put himself in Beverly’s shoes: How would he feel if he had to get three young children ready for school, and when asking for help, his concerns are dismissed? Beverly deserves a real apology—just like we all do!
A potential better apology from Chuck: “I’m sorry I didn’t help you out with the kids this morning. That must have been frustrating. I realize that by staying up late last night, I left you by yourself to help with the kids. I shouldn’t have done that.”
Remedy: Right the wrongs of the situation
A remedy to follow an apology can look different for everyone. Maybe it’s a hug or an opportunity for the affected person to gain back confidence and credibility. In Octavia’s case, since her children were involved, an apology in front of them might be a good idea.
Where Octavia went wrong: In Octavia’s apology, she’s minimizing the consequences. “I was just joking! What’s the big deal?” When she apologizes to her husband, she needs to understand the impact she had and find a way to right the wrongs of the situation.
“Making a sincere apology requires some thought and skill.” -Fundamentals for Good Dads
Like any communication skill, apologizing takes practice! When you use these strategies for effective apologies, your children will follow your lead. Kids are sponges, after all! Octavia making a joke at Marv’s expense in front of Leo and Rhea might seem harmless, but it teaches them both that joking about others is okay and it undermines Marv’s authority as a father. Plus, there’s an important factor to jokes: Both parties have to find it funny.
A better apology from Octavia might look like this: “I’m sorry I made a joke at your expense in front of the kids. I realize that was disrespectful. Next time, if I don’t have anything nice to say, I won’t say anything at all.”
Final Words
Knowing how to provide an effective apology is one of the key components to being a good communicator. We all make mistakes; we’ve all given and received apologies, good and bad.
Show how you feel, own up to your actions, and right the wrongs of the situation. Don’t forget the three R’s: regret, responsibility and remedy.
