Have you ever heard the phrase “men are from Mars, women are from Venus”? Popularized by the 1992 bestselling novel by the same name, it asserts that there is a stark difference, particularly in communication styles, between sexes that it’s akin to two extraterrestrial beings inhabiting completely different planets.
Is there truth to this sentiment? If so, how can we navigate these unique challenges, and how can we be better communicators?
Many of our New Pathways participants will tell you that the key to being a good dad is being a good communicator and keeping the lines of communication open. It involves understanding where both parties are coming from, allowing for trust to be built and problems to be solved.
This week on the Good Dads blog, we’re exploring the role of identity in communication and how to be a better communicator, regardless of identity.
What does identity mean?
According to an article from the nonprofit Facing History & Ourselves, identity can be divided into two groups: social and personal.
Your social identity is based on your role in certain groups, whether it be your age, class, ethnicity, gender, religion, etc. Your personal identity is how you would define yourself. Which aspects of your identity matter the most to you? Are you a jokester, an entrepreneur, a gamer, a hopeless romantic, a cynic? The way we see ourselves matters.
In the role of communication, our identities matter. They’re the ingredients that make up who we are, after all. Maybe you’re more of an assertive or blunt communicator. Maybe you tend to avoid confrontation, beating around the bush. Maybe you struggle to communicate at all. These identities can not only tell us why we communicate the way they do, but how we interpret the messages of others.
Avoiding stereotypes in communication
There’s no such thing as a perfect communication style. Below are some general communication strengths and weaknesses between men and women.
| Men’s Communication Styles | Women’s Communication Styles |
| ● More direct/to the point ● “Fix it”/problem solver ● Takes charge/confident | ● Emotional/empathetic ● Listener/processor ● Reads body language and nonverbal cues |
While these perceived strengths and weaknesses can be a good jumping off point when communicating with others, it can also lead to generalizations. For example, have you heard any of the following phrases?
● Women are so emotional.
● Men don’t know how to express themselves.
● Women never stop talking/gossiping.
● Men always have to be right.
Falling into the belief that all members of a certain sex talk, think or act a certain way is counterintuitive when we want to communicate effectively. Regardless of your identity, it’s important that you analyze your own strengths and weaknesses to effectively communicate.
Fixing vs. Listening
Scenario: Maddie comes home from an exhausting shift at work. She shares her frustrations with her husband, Ron. Customers were rude, and her coworkers weren’t picking up the slack. Plus, she had to stay an extra hour! Ron, who wants to be helpful, immediately offers a few logical solutions in an attempt to solve the problem. “Were you even listening to me?” Maddie huffs, storming off.
Many fathers Good Dads has spoken to in the past have fallen into the “fix-it” role in a relationship. In my interview with Prime driver and father Jimmy Jackson, he pointed out this dynamic in communication. (See this recent Prime Good Dads post for more).
“Sometimes (my wife) just needs to vent,” Jimmy said. “We’re pretty good about making sure we have that understanding. Sometimes I just want you to listen to my problem.”
Before jumping in to immediately problem solve and play “fix-it,” it’s important to clarify whether the problem needs to be fixed or talked aloud and processed first. You may think you’re being helpful by providing a solution, but sometimes all your partner needs is someone to listen.
I find this mantra helpful (and I like it because alliteration is fun!): Do you need to be helped, heard or hugged?
Utilizing the speaker-listener technique
Scenario: Breanna and David are a little over a year into their marriage. They have been encountering more problems, such as budgeting and fairly dividing household chores. Admittedly, neither of them is good at owning up to mistakes, so attempts to talk through tough topics devolve into speaking over one another and hurling accusations. Eventually, they gave up trying to problem-solve, giving each other “the silent treatment.” Neither one of them feels heard.
Think about what good communication looks like. Ideally, both parties are heard, and each person lets the other person provide their perspective so the other can effectively listen. Sometimes, we need more structure, which is where the speaker-listener technique comes in.
Those who have taken a New Pathways for Good Dads class are familiar with the speaker-listener technique, which comes from healthy relationships experts at Prep. Many of our graduates have cited it as their favorite lesson.
Take New Pathways graduate Mason Biaggi, for example. In his New Pathways Spotlight, he admitted that before Good Dads, he and his wife struggled with communication.
“We didn’t know how to voice how we were feeling or what we expected from each other,” he said, “(Learning) how to communicate was definitely the lifeline, the savior of the relationship.”
Another graduate of the program, José Torres, admitted that he and his wife used to argue often, but through the speaker-listener technique, both parties can take the time to really understand one another
“Now (my wife) knows I’m paying attention. If there’s any issue, we get to talk about it.”
The great thing about the speaker-listener technique is that it’s a universal tool. Regardless of identity factors, you can utilize this technique in conversations and problem solving.
Speaker Listener Technique by PREP
Rules for the Speaker
● Speak for yourself; don’t mind read
● Keep statements brief. Don’t go on and on.
● Stop to let the listener paraphrase
Rules for the Listener
● Paraphrase what you hear.
● Focus on the Speaker’s message. Don’t rebut.
Rules for Both
● The Speaker has the floor.
● Speaker keeps the floor while the listener paraphrases.
● Share the floor.
Regardless of your identity, it’s important to remember how to be both an effective speaker and listener to be a better communicator. Whether it’s your turn to be the speaker or the listener, you’re working together as a team with your partner.
Final Words
We all have unique styles of communication, but just because two people communicate differently doesn’t mean all hope is lost—or that you’re from different planets!
Communication is a broad spectrum that involves analyzing strengths and weaknesses and seeing what works. Nobody is born a perfect communicator; it takes practice!
To learn more about how to be a better communicator, don’t miss our Good Dads blogs. We’re continuing our theme of Good Dads Communicators for the rest of the year.
We also encourage you to check out our latest program: Good Dads Plus Us. This new program, which will serve fathers and their co-parents, is set to launch throughout Missouri this spring.
