As twentysomethings and as daughters of good dads, we are forever interested in our peers’ relationships with their dads. And as the communications team at a father-focused nonprofit, we’re uniquely positioned to gain some valuable insights!
This month we asked twentysomethings in our orbit to spill the beans, and we’ve compiled a collection of confessions—anonymously—to find out exactly what it is these young adults crave from their fathers and father-figures.
Show Interest in My Interests
I need support in my interests and goals. I need my dad to listen to me, ask me about my interests and provide me with resources to help me achieve those goals. With my dad, I’m really grateful to just have someone who I can pick up the phone and call, no matter the topic. I look to my dad when I feel I am at a crossroads—like in my career, in relationships or when I was in school. He is a trusted resource, and he gives valuable advice.
Respect, Despite our Differences
Growing up, my father often asked us to respect him. I would have loved to see more respect in turn for myself and my siblings. We don’t see eye-to-eye on a lot of things (namely religion and politics). Now that I’m an adult, I can make my own decisions and mistakes. What I would love is for a little respect (just a little bit. Thanks, Aretha Franklin) and to tell me he’s proud of me more often. I heard somewhere that some people think respect is treating someone as an authority—rather than treating them as a person. My father definitely wanted to be treated as an authority, but for me, I want to be treated as a person. One thing I will say about my dad is this: He never made me feel stupid about my dreams. I wish more dads were supportive like that, even if they butt heads with their children.
Pride and Sympathy
One thing I’d love from my dad is some sort of acknowledgement that I’ve tried my best. My dad is a very accomplished man—but he never graduated college. The way he tells it, he didn’t graduate because he was partying the whole time. I didn’t graduate because I tried my best but couldn’t do it. My efforts weren’t enough, and I had to drop out. My dad has never said but it, it’s clear that he’s of the opinion that I didn’t try hard enough.
It’s weird to say that I wish my dad had lower expectations of me, but I kind of do. Ever since I was a kid, he’s had very high expectations about what I could achieve. But as I’ve become an adult and have faced challenges that prevent me from reaching some goals, I feel like there’s an underlying disappointment. I overall have a really good relationship with my dad, but what I need from him, honestly, is to hear him say: “Hey, I know you’ve tried your best, and I see all the work you’ve put into your life.”
Help Adult-ing
I really need my dad to help me with the general monotony of adult-ing. Sometimes I feel so incapable—like when I can’t figure out how to fix a leaky faucet or when I suspect I’ve been ripped off at the mechanic. My dad is so great at helping me navigate the scarier parts of the world without making me feel foolish for not always knowing exactly what to do. Being an adult is not easy, and I’m still learning. I feel like I can really rely on my dad to make life just a degree less frightening.
Bravery
I need my dad to be braver. My guess is, because I didn’t turn out to be a cisgender, heterosexual engineer or priest, he’s not been brave enough to acknowledge me for what I actually am: a trans woman. My dad doesn’t really talk to me anymore. He didn’t come to my wedding.
I try to be sympathetic to my dad, a flawed person with a traumatic childhood — and he really tried while my siblings and I were growing up. But he falls short with his kids when we do something that would require him to expand his worldview. He doesn’t really try, and I think he doesn’t know how to handle it. He’d rather be absent than try to put in the work to change his worldview.
Championing a Better World
What I need from my father is for him to continue dreaming of a better life for himself, building a better world for his kids, and taking action to make that world a reality. That could mean getting involved and volunteering with the community, speaking more joy and hope into the world, or creating art. As we get older, we realize the world is a scary place, and I need my father to be a place of hope, positivity and joy when I feel like I can’t find my light.
Showing up and Taking Responsibly
My dad and I have a weird relationship, neither good nor bad. We don’t understand each other, and we don’t have anything in common. We feel like strangers. Growing up he never really taught me to do anything; all he’d say was, “Don’t do what I did,” because he’s made lots of mistakes and done lots of things he shouldn’t. But that advice never really fostered a relationship between us.
The thing I am grateful for is that he’s taking care of my youngest sister, who has cerebral palsy and is blind. It’s the first time in his life that he’s taken some responsibility; it’s like he’s finally grown up. I am so glad he is there to put so much care and time into her needs. That’s really what I need from him.
Grown-Up Wisdom
I need an understanding – just because I am an adult doesn’t mean I’m not still learning. I need my dad to offer advice and wisdom, just like he did when I was a kid. When I was younger, he taught me the fundamentals, but now I need him to continue offering advice into adulthood.
An Apology
My dad was not around when I was a child. Instead he was with another woman, raising another little girl my age, while he was still married to my mom. His anger when he came back to my mom has left me an angry person, too. I still feel angry; he never truly apologized. His inner child will never heal because he won’t heal it. I wish my dad understood the gravity of what he’s done to me. How hitting me and screaming at me only left behind a woman who hates him. He didn’t give me love, and now I look for love in all the wrong places. I wish I had a normal relationship with my dad, but I know that is not possible.
Emotional Support & Enthusiasm
I need my dad’s support in what I’m doing. When I lived with my parents, everything I did needed to go through them. I was accustomed to letting my mom and dad know about everything I was doing, where I was going, etc. Now that I’m moved out and live on my own as an adult, I obviously no longer need my dad’s permission, but I still need his support. I want to have my dad’s enthusiasm when I tell him what’s going on in my life.
