Have you heard of the African proverb, “It takes a village to raise a child”? This statement means that children need the helpful and loving support of lots of grown-ups—not just parents—to succeed. It also means that dads and moms shouldn’t have to do it all alone!
As a dad, it’s tempting to assume that you and your child’s mother can provide everything that child could possibly need: Things like bathing, feeding and bedtime stories all fall under the parenting job description, right? That’s certainly true, but that’s not the full picture. In fact, family/parenting researchers agree that even the most dedicated, loving and capable parents cannot do it all.
Is this cause for concern? No, of course not! It just means that dads and moms need robust support systems that include trusted people who have their child’s best interests in mind. These are people like teachers and principals, babysitters, pediatricians, coaches and more.
This week on the Good Dads Communicators blog, we are examining ways to navigate being a good dad in a team with the other adults in your child’s life.
For Infants and Toddlers: Swap Babysitting Duties with Another Couple
Reaching into the archive on the Good Dads podcast, we had Good Dads board member Tyler Head on the show just before the birth of his baby. He and his wife, Katherine, had been going on weekly date nights every Thursday since they started dating. But now with a baby on the way, Tyler expressed concern that this cherished tradition was going out the window.
“So the question we’re asking now is, ‘What are we gonna do about that when the baby comes? What will that date look like? How will we make time for us?’” Tyler said on the show.
Swooping in to save the day was Jennifer Baker, PsyD, Good Dads’ founder and director.
Dr. Baker’s advice was to get to know another trusted couple with a child in the same age range as yours, or who lives in the same neighborhood as a mutual babysitting resource. This Thursday, we’ll watch your son, and next Thursday, you’ll watch our daughter. It’s just one of the many examples for why “it takes a village” rings true!
Bonus Tip: Dr. Baker was also quick to remind listeners to be flexible: Sometimes “date night” can’t happen at night at all because of a fussy baby who is resistant to sleep. An alternative date could be a movie and take-out at 1 p.m. on a Saturday during naptime.
For Elementary Students and Tweenagers: Prioritize Communication with your Student’s Educators
If you’ve attended a Good Dads Strong Schools event in the last several years, you’ve likely encountered Jim Millsap, a retired teacher and principal, who coordinates with many Springfield Public Schools for this program. In a previous blogpost, Jim challenged dads to stay in-the-know about their students’ school. He wrote:
Do you know the name of your child’s principal? Have you ever had a conversation with them? If not, schedule a time to meet with them. Let them know that you aren’t coming to them with a problem or complaint, but that you want to learn more about them and their vision for the school. At the meeting, share that you appreciate the efforts of all the staff and want to be involved and helpful in your child’s learning. Taking this step opens a powerful avenue of communication between you and the school. If concerns or issues develop during the year, all parties are already acquainted with each other.
Did you attend your child’s Open House? If you did, you made a valuable connection to your child’s teachers. If not, schedule a time to meet them. This is vital. The most direct communication you will receive about your child’s progress will be from their teachers. When you are familiar with your student’s teachers, parent-teacher conversations can be more constructive and franker. This way, dads can reinforce at home the material the teachers presented during the school day.
Wiser words have never been spoken, Jim! Indeed, our children’s teachers are perhaps some of the most important adults in our kiddos’ lives. Being on the same page with educators is good news for dads, teachers, and especially the student.
Even though there are weeks left of summer break, it’s inevitable that we’ll blink and the school year will be upon us. Dads, this is your moment! Set the intention NOW to be highly engaged, involved, informed and encouraging during the 26–27 school year.
For Dads of Athletes: Don’t Solve All Your Children’s Problems for Them
Dr. Jon Spence, a recent guest on the pod, is the chief academic officer at Evangel University. As a father of four adult children, he’s had plenty of practice communicating well with the other grown-ups in his kiddos’ lives.
In the 90s, long before he became a dad, Dr. Spence was Coach Spence, coaching football, basketball and track coach to junior high schoolers. He says this is the part of his life where he learned the most.
Sports are a great learning opportunity for young people, too. Dr. Spence said he sees sports skills as hugely transferrable: You work alongside others towards a shared goal, and you learn what it feels like to be a part of something bigger than yourself.
As a coach, it was important to him that he got to know each of his athletes personally. That meant learning their names, finding the right place to plug them into the team and recognizing just how much it meant for that student to get to wear their jersey. His advice as a coach? Know what each athlete needs from you. Be their advocate.
Because of his background, Dr. Spence became coaches’ biggest cheerleaders after his own children started sports.
Find coaches who genuinely care about your children, Dr. Spence said. He was fortunate to know many of his children’s coaches personally, especially a close friend who coached one of his sons in Nixa. That way, he knew his son was in good hands.
On the pod, we also talked about what to do if you encounter an issue with your child’s coach. Dr. Spence was quick to make an important distinction: This is your child’s opportunity to confront that. Get your child involved first. Resist the urge to have a conversation, as a dad, alone with the coach without the athlete present. If you do so, you run the risk of teaching the wrong lesson—that it’s a parent’s job to shield their children from needing to have uncomfortable conversations.
Funnily enough, we heard the very same advice in a previous episode of the Good Dads podcast, when we had Frank Tristan, head football coach at Glendale High School, on the show.
Tristan, a dad of two, says he understands the inclination to stick up for your kids and advocate for them. However, he stressed the importance of letting your child come to the coach first, before Mom and Dad step in. Children need to learn to advocate for themselves, and this comes with the encouraging support of parents who resist the urge to “rescue” their children.
Like Dr. Spence, Coach Tristan said he is a vocal supporter of his children’s coaches.
“The best thing a parent can do is tell their coach, ‘Thank you,’” he said. “Those coaches put in a lot of time, and they care about the kids, or else they would’ve quit coaching a long time ago … just telling them, ‘Hey, thanks for your time.’”
Dads: Here are Your Action Steps
Being a dad is not without its challenges. The good news is this: You don’t have to do it alone. Choose trustworthy adults outside of you and Mom who can be there for your children. To recap, here are some action steps you can take today to be a better communicator with other adults in your child’s life:
- Get to know your neighbors, especially if they have children around the same age as you. Use the convenient proximity to trade babysitting once a month and take turns going on date nights.
- Before the school year starts, learn the names of your students’ teachers. Establish contact with them, even if nothing is wrong. Attend the parent-teacher conferences and open-house events at the beginning of the semester.
- If your child is in sports, stress to them the importance of an open dialog with their coach. One day, your child might get their feelings hurt because coach didn’t put them in the last two games. Encourage your athlete to talk to the coach directly about that concern first, and resist the temptation to get involved, at least not right from the beginning.
