Consider these three scenarios:
- Problem: Your wife says, “The light bulb in the pantry has burnt out.”
- Solution – easy! Replace the bulb.
- Response: “Wow, thanks for getting on that. It’s so much easier to see in here now.”
- Problem: Your Missus tells you: “The weeds on the driveway are driving me crazy!”
- Solution – no sweat. Get out the weed killer and start spraying.
- Response: “It’s just great that you did that, hon. The driveway looks wonderful.”
- Problem: Your girlfriend vents to you, “I’m really irritated about my co-worker’s passive-aggressive email.”
- Solution – it couldn’t be more obvious! Tell your colleague they’ve got no right to talk to you that way—or better yet, forward that email to the manager. That’ll teach ‘em!
- Response: “Ugh! Why does it feel like you’re never listening to me?!”
One of these is not like the other!
The first two problems are very concrete. When something breaks, we fix it. For these kinds of problems, there are simple rules and universal standards.
Scenario No. 3 is pretty different: Instead of a material, work-with-your-hands kind of problem, the scenario with the passive-aggressive email is more of a people-problem. It concerns social dynamics, asynchronous communication, hierarchies, politeness, culture and many more factors that make it so there isn’t just one “right” answer.
The situation calls for something much more than simply deciding which style of light bulb ought to go in the pantry.
Dr. Jennifer L. Baker is the founder and executive director of Good Dads. She is also a licensed clinical psychologist and a marriage and family therapist. She says that men, on the whole, tend to be “fixers.” They observe a problem and want to jump to a solution. These are the lightbulb and weed-killer kinds of problems.
But in this third scenario, where social nuance is at play and there isn’t just one kind of answer, is where some men get it wrong. In an effort to be a fixer, many men will reach for the first solution they can think of. The example “solution” above—suggesting your girlfriend tell her co-worker to shove off—might not get the reaction you intended.
Dr. Baker has observed, in her more than 30 years seeing couples and families in therapy, that men (in general) are less comfortable than women are in dealing with problems existing outside a set of universal rules and standards. This could be explained, in part, by understanding sex differences.
The “Protect and Provide” Push
If you’ve heard Dr. Baker lead workshops during a Good Dads Training Camp event, you’ve likely heard her assert that men tend to be “fixers” when confronted with a problem. It sounds like a good thing, but there are risks of problem-solving too quickly.
Dr. Baker says that an important clue lies in the way men and women are socialized differently from a young age.
When we are learning about how the world works when we are very young, we observe patterns that form wrinkles in our brains which eventually become our worldview. Our outlook on life is influenced by many factors, like family of origin, friends, and the books we read and the television we watch.
We all have ideas about how men and women are “supposed” to be, and Dr. Baker said that one very common idea is that men are supposed to be protectors and providers.
Of course, this is not everyone’s reality, and it isn’t always helpful to make broad statements that over-generalize, but it is safe to say that many American men are encouraged from the time they were boys to protect their families and support them.
So, why didn’t “problem-solving” actually solve the problem?
Previously on the Good Dads blog, we talked about the urge to immediately jump into a problem and “fix it.” It’s important to clarify first whether the problem actually needs to be fixed—or if it needs to be discussed aloud and processed first. Many men think they are being helpful by providing a solution, but sometimes all your partner needs is for someone to listen.
Next time your partner is venting about a passive-aggressive email or any other feelings-based problem, ask: “Do you need to be helped, heard or hugged?”
Communication Style Differences
How you were raised plays a big role in how you communicate as an adult, Dr. Baker says. This is true across the sexes, and psychologists have a large body of research that tells us that men and women tend to communicate differently.
Men tend to…
- Withdraw and avoid during arguments
- Less comfortable with extreme emotions
- Solution-oriented
- Think using one side of the brain at once
- Focus on one topic at a time
Women tend to…
- Escalate and persist during arguments
- More comfortable with extreme emotions
- Feelings-oriented
- Think using both sides of the brain at the same time
- Multitask; tolerate distractions better
Again, these are generalizations. They are true for many people – but it would be wrong to conclude that every man and every woman communicates like this.
Dr. Baker said that men tend to withdraw and avoid around 70% of the time. In other words, even though something is statistically true most of the time does NOT mean it is true 100% of the time!
It’s helpful to know how you tend to communicate because you can bring that knowledge into your next argument, Dr. Baker said. To borrow an example from our previous blog about being a great listener: Say the credit card bill arrives in the mail while you are rushing out the door because the family is running late for your daughter’s soccer practice.
If the dad in scenario is thinking: “soccer practice, soccer practice, soccer practice” and his fiancée suddenly brings up the bills with a great deal of emotion, that conversation is not likely to go well. Dad is likely to feel overwhelmed; Mom feels like her concerns aren’t being listened to; and a huge fight ensues.
It is difficult to catch yourself before you go down a bad communication path, but Dr. Baker says with lots of practice and patience, it is possible. For example, Dad might say: “I can tell you really want to talk about this bill, but right now is not a good time for me to do that. Can we come back to this after we’re back from soccer practice?”
This communicates a need, spares everyone’s feelings, promises a time to return to the issue and, most importantly, prevents a full-blown fight.
Dads: Stay in the Room
Dr. Baker’s plea to men: Stay in the room! She means this literally – do not walk out on an argument.
She’s seen it play out hundreds of times with her clients: When men sense an argument is coming on, they tend to withdraw and avoid. If given the chance, some men will leave the room entirely. Even though they may say no words at all, the message is clear: “No, we are not having this conversation!”
When you are aware of how you and your partner tend to communicate, you can make better choices and get ahead of problems before they begin.
“As a man, you are more likely to withdraw and avoid,” Dr. Baker wanted to tell readers of the Good Dads blog. “But your partner is less likely to escalate the argument if you let her know that you do want to have this conversation … Your partner is less likely to become volatile if you set aside time to really think about what each other has to say.”
However, if you struggle to let that happen in very big topics in your relationship, Dr. Baker says it’s important to get professional help through a therapist or counselor, who can walk alongside you and your partner as you sharpen your listening skills and hone the tools you need to communicate most effectively.
